In the State of Inspiration

As I’m traveling to the place I was born, from the place I currently reside, I stare hard out the window. All I want is to be unbound. I want independence from the things I can’t necessarily control. I want to own my time and be able to live each minute excited for the next. Lately I’ve been wearing this weathered out jacket upon my dry bones, and all I want is a glass of water to quench my thirst for existence.

I’ve always wanted to live in a world where there is endless happiness. I’ve always wanted the world to be easy. But living with easiness is something that is tested every single day. There is reckless hatred that grows around me more and more each day. And it’s my choice whether to sulk in it and let myself be defeated, or fight through it and make my way around it, helping along the way. Having these constant feelings and opinions brings me to a psychoanalytic conclusion: there are multiple theories of personality that fit my persona, but only one fits my personality in almost its entirety.

There are three feuding sides of my personality: emotional (irrational), intellectual (rational), and spiritual (moral). These segments of what makes me, me can be determined as the psychoanalytic theory. The infrastructure of my mind relies on three subsets that Freud commonly called the id, ego, and superego. Although I understand that it is most common to have a slight imbalance of the three facets of the mind, I believe that I have equal parts. My personality has always been more subdued than others’. I have the characteristics of an emotive introvert with the precision and accuracy of an analytical A-type personality. My actions, decisions, and preferences have always been tuned by my creativity and ingenuity. What’s interesting about my personality is that it is equal parts creative and emotional as well as analytical and rational. I’ve always associated the 50/50 split with the personalities of my mother and father. My mother is predominantly right-brained, B-type personality, and artistic by means of emotionally fueled creativity. On the other hand, my father is predominantly left-brained, A-type personality, and always comes to a conclusion through an analytical process using rationality as the key factor to his determined solution. Following the footsteps of my mother, I am exuberantly caring, passionate for things that have a strong meaning in my life, and have an overwhelming insight to other people’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions. As for my father, I am logical, precise, curious, analytical, reserved, independent, and (on normal circumstances) rational. However, considering the social, or spiritual, or moral, aspect of myself, I relate it to that of an introvert. An extrovert might consider their social value based on the amount of conversations they have and the person-to-person interaction they have. While as an introvert, I consider my social value based on my social attributes, such as kindness, friendliness, tact, and understanding. I can easily communicate with other people, state my ideas and opinions tactfully and work in a group setting in order to get work done, but I don’t aimlessly converse with other people. In other words, I socialize when necessary and I don’t feel the need to have constant human interaction. When speaking of morality, I relate it to spirituality only because the idea of a deity is a stronghold for human ethics. Not only that, but I believe that the mind has an altruistic characteristic that engraves a set of societal pre-determined moral laws into our brains to better serve a purpose within the world. And when thinking of spiritualism, you think of internal transcendence that inherently relates externally through morality.

I am optimistic for humanity. I try to see the goodness in people. If I see someone in pain, I try to make them happy. I try to see how what I do makes them happy and then I try to exceed that. I do that too frequently. After awhile, it takes too much out of me because I give too much of myself away and I start feeling exhaustion. Initially, one can relate this to the Existential Theory because of how I am living through optimism and the belief that helping others betters me as an individual, despite how much it takes out of me emotionally and even physically at times. One could also relate this to the Humanistic Theory because of my blatant care of others and my personal pursuit of self-actualization; the idea that I need to “fix” everyone to obtain a certain level of personal happiness. Although both of those theories play a strong suit in my characteristics, I believe these optimistic do-gooder feelings are that of my emotional, irrational id, or as my mother would put it, the fact that I “care too much”.

Overall in the state of any inspiration, we are all on a scavenger hunt, searching for our own definition of humanity and, as much as personally allotted, allowing the influences of the world take its toll on our inner beings. I strive for the things I want to accomplish. I think rationally and analytically with heaps of curiosity. I love thoroughly, freely, and passionately. With the help of my id, ego, and superego all aligned in equivalence, I strive for something greater than the preliminary outlook of life. A friend once told me, “I know that of the two of us, you were, are, have been, and will always be the strongest. It’s because you love so hard— you live with your heart.”



  Courtney McKamey   |    2018     ©   copyright all rights reserved